GMPX
April 5th, 2008, 03:12 AM
The REAL meaning of the motor vehicle repair manual instructions
Repair manual: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with multi-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Repair manual: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Repair manual: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Repair manual: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Repair manual: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Repair manual: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Repair manual: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).
Repair manual: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Repair manual: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Repair manual: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Repair manual: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Repair manual: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Repair manual: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Repair manual: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Repair manual: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny number ... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Repair manual: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
Repair manual: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you plebe!
Repair manual: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.
Repair manual: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Repair manual: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
Repair manual: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Repair manual: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Repair manual: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Repair manual: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Repair manual: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Repair manual: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Repair manual: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Repair manual: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have RACV membership & mobile phone
Repair manual: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Repair manual: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Repair manual: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
Repair manual: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.
Repair manual: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of silicon around here somewhere...
Repair manual: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Repco to buy some Castrol grease.
Repair manual: See illustration for details.
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.
Repair manual: Approximate repair time: 1hr.
Translation: You are getting the bus to work for the next 2 days.
Repair manual: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with multi-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Repair manual: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Repair manual: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Repair manual: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Repair manual: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Repair manual: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Repair manual: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).
Repair manual: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Repair manual: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Repair manual: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Repair manual: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Repair manual: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Repair manual: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Repair manual: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Repair manual: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny number ... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Repair manual: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
Repair manual: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you plebe!
Repair manual: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.
Repair manual: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Repair manual: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
Repair manual: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Repair manual: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Repair manual: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Repair manual: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Repair manual: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Repair manual: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Repair manual: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Repair manual: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have RACV membership & mobile phone
Repair manual: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Repair manual: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Repair manual: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
Repair manual: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.
Repair manual: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of silicon around here somewhere...
Repair manual: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Repco to buy some Castrol grease.
Repair manual: See illustration for details.
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.
Repair manual: Approximate repair time: 1hr.
Translation: You are getting the bus to work for the next 2 days.